Walking and talking

Took a walk today, between sessions. Up a fairly steep hill, the same one that I walked up recently with riley37. It felt good to reach the top of it.

I phoned DEC, and talked with him while I walked. I think he appreciates that I am able to talk frankly about terminal illness - he dislikes that some people have been put off lately when he answers their "How are you?" greetings with "Dying." "Well, if they didn't want to know, why did they ask?" he reasons. Indeed...

I got more info on the extent to which he is dying. Not all of the information is in place yet, but my understanding is that he can reasonably expect to be around for another few years, as the cancer is a slow-moving one. That's the good news. The less good news is that the sole available treatment is a very difficult one to go through, and does not have a high success rate.

So, the odds are that we will lose him - not soon, but way sooner than should happen for a man in his early 40s. As he noted, there is now a strong chance that my fairy godfather Arnold, who has HIV, will outlive him.

I asked DEC how he was doing emotionally. He said that he was okay, and sounded like he meant it. "I can now see my clock more clearly than most people can see theirs," he said. He is being matter of fact and practical, and turning his attention to that which he can influence - his health care resources, his finances, and how to provide as well as he can for his wife and step-daughter after he is gone.

I suspect that he is more calm about this than the rest of us are. I can only imagine how his wife is doing [Edit: Staying strong, apparently] and I know that my own denial/bargaining is fading to acceptance, which means that I am beginning to feel the tears that are lurking not so far beneath the surface. The prospect of losing him is becoming real.

It looks like Ottawa will be increasingly a part of my northeast travel plans in the coming years. He is not ruling out the possibility of making that visit to CA one of these months, but he is waiting to plan it until his doctor figures out the best treatment options, and until his metabolism re-adjusts. Getting sick while here would not be a good thing, as his health care resources are in Ontario.

I really regret that I didn't see him when he was in town two months ago. I was out of town on all but one of the days that he was in town, and I cancelled my plans to see him on that one day after our house was broken into and I wanted to just come home and cope in my own space. At the time, it seemed like a good self-care decision, given that he was planning to return to the area in February. Those words ring hollow now, though, because in the summer of 2002 I cancelled travel plans to see my friend Rich at a time when I was feeling overwhelmed with travels - and I ended up needing to make travel plans anyway a few weeks later, to attend his funeral. So I am edgy, about having turned away this recent chance to see DEC - but I am trying to let go of superstition, trying to remind myself that he's still supposed to be around for a few years yet. Talking to him on the phone today was very good, and I will make a more regular practice of doing so in what time he has left. And if he cannot visit here, then I will visit there.